Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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