I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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