My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize