The best revenge is premature balding
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
we're making bets on your personal life
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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