did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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