maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We are all done wearing pants today
Randomize
