highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
