Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
