I am spending my child support on dildos
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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