Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
