all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
There r osticjed everywhere
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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