I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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