I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
