he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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