I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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