Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
