He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
