I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
