I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
