Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
