Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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