haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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