So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
