So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
