my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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