If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
