Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
