My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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