Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
