a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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