based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
