Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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