just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
