Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
