It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
