you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
