So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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