Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
