Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize