I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
