dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
