So drunk its hurt
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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