I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
