This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
