I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
