yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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