That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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