you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
