My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
