C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
