im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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