WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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