I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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