nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize