we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
