my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
