My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
tell me about the eggs
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
