Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
