she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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