Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
