my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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