Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize