guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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